I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
