I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
