Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
