i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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