Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
