I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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