I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
