So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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