I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
