You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
