This is not my ceiling
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
