He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
