He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
