New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
