Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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