If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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