My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good