I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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