I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
