It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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