Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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