Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
