Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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