so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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