Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
