They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
