Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
