I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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