I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
