My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
