I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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