Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
