I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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