its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A bitchslap is in order.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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