I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
