It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
