I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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