My sheets look like a crime scene.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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