I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is it penis luge time yet?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
