If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
