it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
