Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
