You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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