Just took my morning after pill in the library
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
