He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
