Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
