got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
