i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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