Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
