If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
