if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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