rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
